When this movement began, so much of it centered on the process of exploring my inner self. During this heavy self-reflective time, I discovered four components of gonegirlgo that were essential if I was going to push forward and go. If you think back to those earlier posts, you will recall:
1. Refuse to live by default
2. Push against self-imposed barriers
3. Be a reformed procrastinator (This has since changed, but that's another post.)
4. Make meaning for yourself
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| The Core Action: Work on Your Inner Self is an ongoing action in Challenge Me to Grow. |
I felt compelled to get to the core of my issues and the reasons why I held myself back for so long. It was refreshing and in the process, I discovered that this movement had been germinating in my spirit for a long time. This realization and the things that God allowed to happen accidentally on purpose really pushed me forward to explore what the possibilities of the movement could be. What resulted is a learning solution called Challenge Me to Grow and at the core of the curriculum is the action Work on Your Inner Self.
I am convinced that 90% of our problem pushing our ideas forward is wrapped up in our inability to get past the internal mess that we have created in our being. We are our worst enemy. We put up roadblocks in our minds, let our thoughts hold us captive, and create stories about ourselves that just aren’t true. This next story is from a really good friend of mine who has experienced what we all have experienced – inner turmoil that prevented her from living the gonegirlgo life. Here is Mary Jo and her story. She wants to tell you how she worked on her inner self so that she could push forward her idea. 
I wore masks to hide, because internally I was dying. I wore masks to hide the pain and to deal with people and challenges.
In one period of my life, I experienced a lot of challenges, but I tried to still be strong for family, friends, and co-workers. My best friend was dying of cancer. I had just given birth to a beautiful baby boy. My other son was completing his second year of college. My abusive marriage was ending in divorce. I was worrying about my niece in the Iraq war. To top things off, I was completing my PhD. To deal with the pain, I isolated myself mainly because I didn’t want anyone to see that I didn’t have it together this time. Family and friends was used to leaning on me, but now I couldn’t even hold myself up. One day my best friend dying of cancer said to me, “You are dying inside and I can see it all destroying the beauty that is you. If I could only live life over again.” His words still resonate in me.
As I look back, I think of a quote from Tony Robbins - “Change is never a matter of ability, but a matter of motivation”. I needed to change and my friend’s death was the motivation to make it happen. The first thing I did was returned to church because addressing my spiritual needs was essential. I also found a therapist who helped me deal with my inner turmoil. One of the most powerful moments with her was when she asked to describe myself. I told her, “I wear the mask. I don’t know who I am. My identity has always been attached to my parents, children, husband, and friends”. She then asked me to draw and name all the masks that I wore and much to my surprise I came up with 23 masks. I named, described, and rationalized each mask. Her response to me was, “You must be tired.” At that moment, I realized that changing the masks daily was draining. The baggage I have carried most of my life meant meeting the needs of others and living up to everyone’s expectation and not having any expectations of me. My identity was attached to their wants, desires, and tasks.
I went through several other exercises with my therapist that helped me navigate who I was. I started keeping a journal of people, places and things that made me happy. Keeping note and learning about the true person inside became a project. I studied myself and discovered the subject of “me” was fascinating. Attached to my destiny was finding either new employment or creating something that would stir something within me. I began to consider diversity because it was a subject I studied as part of my PhD specialization. I prayed about it and God said, “Why can’t you use what I gave you in my house?”
Then I started to conduct research and discovered only 5% of religious organizations were racially integrated. The work I did in the secular community regarding diversity started changing my perspective about the church. I realized that this was bigger than me and that I would be the first to do this work. I understood that God’s grace would see me through and it would be for His glory. So the work began. I updated my knowledge through research on historical information, current data, and biblical principles. I discussed diversity and began to train Pastors on the implications of diversity in the church. I started teaching at a Christian University, and training Christian organizations. I began to write "The First Christian Diversity Handbook: Heaven Is Not Segregated”. I have completed my book and it is currently in the editing process. Now my days are filled with moving forward and I have addressed and healed the internal issues. Because of my healing, I am editing my book, conducting workshops, running my organization Vesicle Learning Inc., and working on the next phase. There are still hurdles to jump; however, I keep my journal near to read it over again and add new things that I discover to encourage and motivate myself to move. Please visit my website at http://www.vesiclelearning.com for more information about a biblical perspective of diversity.
Mary Jo’s story touches me because of her honest disclosure about seeking professional help. I am reminded of an event that I recently attended at Case Western University – The Road to Recovery Mental Health Forum. The guest speaker was Terrie Williams, the author of Black Pain: It Just Looks Like We’re Not Hurting. Her foundation – The Stay Strong Foundation are pushing forward the message that it is okay for us to seek professional help when you are experiencing inner turmoil. I believe that many of us don't push forward our ideas because our inner turmoil runs real deep. So if necessary, let's be brave and get the help that we need so that we can do the work that we were assigned to do.
Peace
